One Day Closer to the End

Happy Monday. I’m on my last day of PTO, and this will probably be the last time I get to take PTO here at Optum.

Today, I got a lot of things done. First, I went to NBI, which took less than 10 minutes. Then, I went to Carmelite to pray about everything I’ve been feeling lately. I bought a tray of eggs to donate, wrote a prayer intention, lit some candles, and had a conversation with God. I told Him that I’m unsure of what His plans are for me, but I trust Him. I surrendered all my anxieties, sorrows, and worries to Him, especially about tomorrow and the rest of my notice period.

I still feel so tired even after not opening any work-related apps for four days. I can’t bear feeling this way anymore. I’m even scared to open my RO app because of how anxious I am about tomorrow. I asked the Lord for a sign, something that would reassure me that my notice period would be okay. I think I saw that sign earlier, and it gave me at least a little comfort.

After that, I went to SM to see what I could buy. I ended up staying there for around three hours. I was supposed to watch a movie, but I decided to save it for the weekend so I could watch it with Ken instead. I also spent some time reading Reddit threads about what to do during a 30-day notice period. Basically, put in less effort while still making sure to hand over any pending work I might not be able to finish.

To be honest, I just want to fast-forward to my last day. I honestly think it might be the best day of my year.

Even as I’m writing this, I feel so anxious. I want to cry.

When I first started working here, I found myself going to so many places just to disconnect from reality. But now, all I can think about is how excited I am for my employment here to finally end.

Ever since I joined this company, it feels like everything has gone downhill. I stopped being a developer, and I started working 12-hour days. As someone who used to strictly follow the rule of not thinking about work or touching anything work-related during weekends, I feel like I’ve slowly forgotten the person I used to be.

I think one of the hardest parts of this whole experience is realizing how much work has affected me outside of work. It’s not just about being tired after a long day or feeling stressed because of deadlines. It’s the constant anxiety, the inability to fully relax, and the feeling that even on days when I’m supposed to be resting, a part of me is still worrying about work.

I know resigning is the right decision for me, but that doesn’t mean the process is easy. There’s still the fear of what might happen during my remaining days here, the uncertainty of how things will go, and the worry that I might have to deal with the same things that made me want to leave in the first place. I just want to get through these next few weeks without feeling like this every day.

I also hope that once I leave, I can slowly find my way back to myself. I want to enjoy my weekends again without feeling guilty for not working. I want to spend time with the people I love without having work at the back of my mind. I want to wake up without immediately feeling anxious about what the day will bring. And most of all, I want to feel excited about my life again.

For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time. I don’t know exactly how the rest of my notice period will go, and I know I can’t control everything that happens. But I hope I can learn to stop worrying about things that are no longer mine to carry.

Lord, I hope You guide me through this. I hope I can finish this chapter peacefully and leave knowing that I did what I could. I may not understand why things had to happen this way, but I trust that there is a reason for all of this. For now, I just pray for a little peace, enough strength to get through each day, and the courage to keep moving forward.